He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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