I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
