omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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