So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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