Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
