Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
