hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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