i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
