everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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