Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize