i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
