somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
