i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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