So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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