why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
