I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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