Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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