So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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