ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
