i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Text me some of your sweat
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