Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize