You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And then my night got REAL pukey
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
