I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
