Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
