Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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