My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
they need to just BURY HIM!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
