Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
