I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
