Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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