I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
