Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize