I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
