Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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