How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
