Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
