Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
