The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize