I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize