I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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