You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I checked into jail on foursquare
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
