Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
