I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
