Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
