can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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