Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My breasts were aching with rage.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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