I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
