so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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