I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Randomize
