I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
