Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
