dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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