The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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