First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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