I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
