She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
